The Uncomfortable Truth: Why ‘Good Men’ Hold the Key to Silencing Misogyny in Our Everyday Lives
Picture this: a room, perhaps a professional one, where conversations about important matters should unfold. Suddenly, an inappropriate, sexist comment cuts through the air, completely off-topic, aimed at a woman. It’s not just a slip of the tongue, is it? It’s a deliberate act, a verbal dart thrown to humiliate, shame, or silence. This isn’t some rare, isolated event; it’s a scene far too many of us have witnessed, often playing out in spaces where male voices typically dominate.
Consider the recent stir during a congressional hearing involving Quezon City Congressman Bong Suntay. His remark about beloved actress Anne Curtis had absolutely nothing to do with public policy, governance, or the serious discussions at hand. It hung in the air, a jarring intrusion. And what was the immediate reaction? A few uncomfortable chuckles, some awkward shuffling, and then, the most deafening sound of all: silence from many who simply looked away.
The Predictable Cycle: Unmasking Misogyny’s Familiar Dance
Doesn’t this feel like a broken record? We’ve seen this play out countless times. When a woman becomes the target of misogyny, the script is almost always the same. The perpetrator quickly jumps to their own defense. Oh, it was just a “joke,” they’ll claim, or as Suntay reportedly put it, a “fantasy.” They’ll try to laugh it off, offer a lukewarm apology, and then pile on the excuses. It’s a classic move, a performance designed to deflect and minimize.
And what follows? A wave of courageous women will rise, armed with powerful condemnations. They’ll articulate, often line-by-line, exactly why the comment was wrong, laying bare the immediate pain and the potential long-term damage. They’ll educate, they’ll advocate, and they’ll demand better. But here’s the kicker: after a brief uproar, the news cycle moves on, and we’re left waiting for the next act of misogyny to rear its ugly head, ready to start the whole infuriating cycle all over again.
A Candid Conversation for the ‘Good Men’ Out There
So, who am I really talking to here? Not the perpetrators themselves. Public outrage, thankfully, often has a way of dealing with them. No, I’m reaching out to you – the men who genuinely believe you’re decent. The ones who would never, ever utter something that disrespectful about a woman. The men who proudly declare yourselves “good” because you have mothers, sisters, wives, or daughters, and you’d never want them to face such indignity. To you, I say: this is your moment, and your silence is not an option.
Because, honestly, moments like these aren’t just about the man who makes the brazenly misogynistic comment. They’re profoundly about the quiet, tolerant silence of the “good men” around him. That silence acts as an invisible amplifier, allowing misogyny to echo, reverberate, and ultimately, normalize.
The Echo Chamber of Quiet Tolerance
A misogynistic comment rarely lands in an empty room, and it certainly doesn’t stay there. It multiplies. It gets replayed in countless rooms where men joke about women’s bodies and fantasize about what they want to do with them. It gets shared in group chats where someone adds a crude quip, and a flurry of laughing emojis follows. It thrives in barkada conversations where no one dares to interrupt the lewd punchline. This isn’t just about loud approval; it’s about the insidious power of quiet tolerance. Social permission isn’t always shouted from the rooftops; sometimes, it’s whispered through inaction.
Fantasy vs. Reality: The Crucial Difference
Let’s be crystal clear: having fantasies is absolutely human. Desire is human. Attraction is human. Men, just like women and people of all gender identities, can find others beautiful and alluring. Where you entertain those thoughts, however, is key. Those private imaginings belong in the quiet privacy of your own mind. That’s where they should stay.
So, private fantasies aren’t the issue here. The real issue, the one that often gets overlooked, is power.
The Insidious Assumption of Consent
What made Congressman Suntay’s remark about Anne Curtis so utterly inexcusable wasn’t just that she was sexualized in a public, professional setting. It was the deeper, more unsettling implication embedded within his comment, captured in the casual assumption: “na-imagine ko na lang kung ano p’wedeng mangyari” (I could just imagine what could happen). This seemingly innocent suggestion carries a dark undercurrent: that Curtis would somehow participate in, or even welcome, whatever fantasy Suntay had concocted.
Did you catch that? Consent was assumed, not asked for. Her autonomy, her right to choose, was never even a consideration. It’s a narrative women know all too well. Our bodily autonomy has, for far too long, been treated as collateral damage to a man’s inflated ego. It’s the same old script that twists harassment into “humor.” It’s the same playbook that rebrands inappropriate comments as mere “admiration” or a “compliment.” And it’s the same condescending dismissal that tells women they are “overreacting” when they bravely call it out.
The ‘Idol’ Effect and Why It Matters
Then come the apologies and the flimsy excuses. “It was neither criminal nor immoral,” some might argue, or “it all depends on personal interpretation.” What’s truly telling, though, are comments like Suntay’s own, claiming some of his male friends called him “idol.”
Idol.
Pause for a moment and consider what that word implies. It means that somewhere, within a particular circle of men, that remark wasn’t seen as a cautionary tale or a moment of embarrassment. No, it was a punchline that deserved a high five, a pat on the back, a congratulatory handshake. It was deemed worthy of admiration. Think about the dangerous message that sends, the norms it reinforces.
Beyond Non-Participation: The True Measure of a Good Man
Too often, “good men” genuinely believe that simply not participating in misogyny, harassment, or sexism is enough. They think their hands-off approach makes them allies. But in a culture where casual sexism is unfortunately the norm, the standard for being a truly good man isn’t just about what you refuse to do. It’s about what you are willing to speak up against. Silence, in these moments, is not neutral. It’s complicit.
So, once again, I’m not writing this for Congressman Suntay. Public outcry will handle his accountability. I’m addressing this to you – the good men who are watching the fallout from incidents like these and thinking, “I would never say something like that.”
Perhaps you wouldn’t. But here’s my crucial question to you: Would you say something when another man does?
Because the next act of misogyny won’t always happen in a government proceeding livestreamed for the world to see. It will happen in a classroom, a boardroom, a private group chat, or even at your own dinner table. The future of a more respectful, equitable society hinges on the actions of those who believe themselves to be good men. Their choices will determine whether misogyny continues to echo through our spaces, or if it stops right there, in that very room, silenced by integrity and courage.
Ana P. Santos is a prominent gender and sexuality columnist and host of the insightful video series, Sex and Sensibilities. She holds a postgraduate degree in Gender (Sexuality) from the esteemed London School of Economics and Political Science (LSE), which she pursued as a distinguished Chevening scholar.