April 04, 2024

It’s just a normal day, I get to study again for psych which again made me reflect a lot about things. I’m in 3rd year now and it felt like the people around me, especially my family are unconsciously showing overt awareness on my shts and on what’s gonna happen to my later years on college, it felt like i am slowly starting to feel the pressure. Unlike before, I was the one who kept on pressuring myself and now i have to be here for myself because i know that whatever happens, whether things turned out to be on my favor or not, i have to keep my sanity. and to maintain my sanity, i have to be there for myself.

Sometimes all i want to do is lie in bed and just do nothing, just rot there and not feel bad abt not doing anything at all. But they’re right when they say that when u get to be an adult, the responsibilities of urs will be enough motivation for you to stand up and be productive, whether u like it or not.

You know what? I feel like I am alone sometimes. I appreciate my family and friends for supporting me everytime, but i guess it’s just my mind that is the problem, it’s never at rest. it kept on thinking and thinking and thinking, as if it never gets tired. sometimes I watch movies or short clips just to stop my mind from hearing my own self.

I just remembered, I will be doing the OJT stuff on the hospital my mom almost died in, i mean, realistically speaking they’re still the reason why she died of a young age so i don’t really know why i feel like choosing the facility for my internship.. but it felt like my body needs to resolve something before i can actually move on to other stuffs, it felt like bcs of what happened to my mum, i had this unresolved emotional baggage that i think i won’t be able to solve unless i’ll really try hard and expose myself to the environment of the hospital again.

I have to make good memories there to remove the traumas ive experienced, i just hope i wont get to relapse if i’ll get to really enter the facility, i hope i’ll get to focus, and i hope my mom will help me too.

I don’t know, I just wanna visit the room we had on the hospital, i wanna remember my mom and feel the pain of having those last moments with her. before i was so cross with what happened, i even thought it’s a medical malpractice, but as time goes by, and i get to be more accepting, i think it gets to make me feel better, for myself. and eventually stopped me from blaming others on the thing that was just meant to happen.

The bottomline of this? I miss my mom, and i think i’ll be forever waiting to be held by her again, and if the only way to reminisce on her memories was to visit the places we once at then i’ll do it, bravely.