tw: su!c!de
i tried to kill myself this march. for a long time afterwards i wished i had pushed through with it, but now that the year is ending i realize that there were so many joyful things that happened this year that i would never have experienced if i left. i’ve been dreaming about some of these experiences since i was a kid, but i never thought i had the bravery and skill to put myself there. i’m glad i gave myself the time to prove myself wrong. there were also so many painful experiences this year that i wish didn’t scar me as much as they have, but i’m trying to listen to what they are teaching me instead of continuing to ache.
i remember when i was very young, i told my cousin that i would probably never make it to 30. she told me how awfully young that was. i didn’t know how it would happen. will i jump in front of traffic? will i hang or shoot myself? will i overdose on a deadly drug and choke on my vomit? i didn’t know, but i was sure that, being as broken and self-loathing as i am for as long as i have been, i will never know happiness and will not make it very far.
but here i am, i’ve been 30 for a couple weeks, and i am doing ok. i’ve been getting 8 hours of sleep a day, in a flat with airconditioning that i decorated myself, with my 3 cats. i love my job, i love my friends, i love the fragments of my family that have remained faithful to me, i love my followers who tell me everyday that i’m beautiful and that i make them horny. i am surrounded by an unfathomable amount of love, i am at peace with where i am, and i am excited for what’s in store.
i am in a state of mind that i never thought i deserved to attain, though it wasn’t easy getting here. it took a lot of money spent on therapy and drugs. it required my friends’ fearless and unconditional support that they gave sometimes to their detriment. i had to power through the pain of learning from my mistakes. i had to stand up against the call of the void and resist its comfort every day for 30 years. my current happiness is the result of many strokes of luck, and i am grateful i earned each and every one of them.
sorry to disappoint you, my younger self, but we are still alive and you are wrong about what you thought our life could be. you’d be proud of us though, we grew up to be fucking cool.