Out of Focus

"Sarah?"

The first word out of my mouth is followed by an excruciating emptiness as I regain consciousness. The light in my eyes obscures the figures surrounding me, various medical devices in hand. I want to lift my head, the muscles in my neck refuse to oblige.

"Where is she?" I rasp, choking.

"Gently, gently," a man says, pushing the light from my face, "You're going to need some time."

"…Just. Tell me."

The crowd around me collectively shifts, glancing at one another uneasily.

"Put me back under."

"We can't do that, Peter. You need time to recover," the man tells me.

"I don't care. I was so close this time, I nearly reached her. Do you understand me? I'm not giving up, put me under!"

More uneasy glances from the staff, some silently shaking their heads.

"Peter," the man crouches down to meet my eyes, resting a hand on my shoulder, "You have to understand the risks. The long term effects… We're in uncharted waters here. Answer me this, Peter, do you remember my name?"

I think for some time. I understand that I should know, though there is a blurriness that surrounds me each time I try to focus.

"…No."

"Pete," he sighs, "We've worked together for the last decade… This 'procedure' is your life's work-"

"My… procedure?"

"-You're a brilliant man, but I think it's time to admit that you've lost control. This was supposed to be a remedy for grieving people- to let them relive a few moments with loved ones… I believed in you, I truly did… But look what you've become. You're addicted, Peter!"

The others step forward, pulling the man from my side, trying to calm him.

"You're losing your mind, you're losing your memory- all so that you can try to find someone that you've only ever had dreams of! What you're doing- it's not stable, it's not attainable!"

By now he is forcibly being restrained, his eyes never leaving mine as they drag him from the room, "No, he needs to hear! He's delusional! You hear me? Delusional! Sarah's not real, Peter! She never was, and you're never going to find her!"

Blurred thoughts swim through the empty room following their absence… Nothing stays with me long, only her face, her voice. They are all I can remember clearly.

Though if it is true, if I had pioneered this procedure… Then surely I would be able to conduct it on myself?

Muscle memory guides the needles into my veins. A monitor glows and pulses as it follows the patterns from my thoughts. I can no longer understand what they convey, though I know it is working as I ease into unconsciousness. She is out there, somewhere, searching for me.

Peter…

So close, almost in sight, nearly in reach…

Focus

"Peter?"

The figures around me shift uneasily as I awake.

"No, Sarah," a man says, resting his hand on my shoulder, "I… I think it's time to admit that you've lost control."