Love, Loyalty, and Lolo’s Expectations: Navigating Modern Love as a Filipina

Oh, my dearest readers, have you ever felt the weight of expectations pressing down on your heart? That familiar hum of family hopes, especially as the years tick by and you’re still navigating the beautiful, chaotic dance of single life? I know I have, and I’m sure many of you, my fellow Filipinas, can relate. It’s a sentiment so deeply woven into our culture, isn’t it? We crave connection, but sometimes, the path to finding it gets tangled with the desires of those we hold most dear.

Today, I want to talk about a letter that landed on the desk of our brilliant relationship gurus, Jeremy Baer and Dr. Margarita Holmes. For those who don’t know, this dynamic duo offers incredible insights on life and love. Jeremy, with his impressive background in law from Oxford and decades as a banker across three continents, brings a grounded, pragmatic perspective. He’s been training with Dr. Holmes, a respected clinical psychologist, for over a decade, sometimes even joining her as a co-therapist, especially when financial worries creep into daily life. Together, they’ve penned enlightening books like Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons. Truly, they are a beacon of wisdom in a sometimes-confusing world of relationships!

The Heart’s Tumult: Gil’s Plea for Guidance

A lovely Filipina, let’s call her Gil, recently reached out to them, sharing a dilemma that, honestly, plucked at my heartstrings. Gil, at 37 years young, met an Australian gentleman last year. He swept her off her feet, professing his love and even asking for her hand in marriage. Cue the collective sighs of relief from her family!

Gil is the only unmarried one in her family, and her loved ones, especially her mother, were overjoyed. Her mom, bless her heart, couldn’t see a single flaw in this Australian suitor, likely just grateful that someone wanted to marry her daughter and ensure she wouldn’t be alone. Can you imagine the pressure, the unspoken relief, that must have washed over Gil’s family? It’s a familiar scene in many Filipino households, isn’t it?

But here’s where the plot thickens, darling. The gentleman, while offering Gil choices on where they’d live (Australia or Manila) and whether to have children (he already has four from two previous marriages), had one non-negotiable condition: Gil must agree to an open relationship. My heart dropped a little when I read that.

Gil, understandably, felt lost. “What do I tell my family? What do I tell him?” she asked, her words echoing a question many of us might whisper to ourselves in similar, challenging moments.

Beyond Expectations: When Family Wishes Clash with Personal Truth

Mr. Baer and Dr. Holmes both highlighted something crucial in their responses: Gil’s own feelings. It’s so easy to get caught up in pleasing our families, especially when they’re so visibly happy for us. We’re taught to value family above all, to honor our elders, and sometimes, that can lead us to sacrifice our own needs for the collective good. Think of our amazing OFWs (Overseas Filipino Workers), who often brave separation and loneliness just to support their loved ones back home. It’s a profound act of love, but one that often comes at a personal cost.

But here’s a rhetorical question for you, my dear: Is marrying someone just to ease your family’s worries truly the path to your own lasting happiness? Are you prepared to compromise on such a fundamental aspect of a partnership – like fidelity – just to fulfill an expectation?

This isn’t about being selfish; it’s about being self-aware. Marriage is a monumental step, a true milestone. Shouldn’t love, genuine affection, and shared values be at the very core of it?

Decoding “Open Relationship”: Is It Truly for You?

Let’s get real about this “open relationship” concept. Dr. Holmes, with her clinical expertise, rightly defines it as consensual non-monogamy. It’s a relationship where partners agree that they can engage in romantic or sexual relationships with others outside of their primary partnership. For some, this dynamic works beautifully, rooted in open communication, trust, and mutual respect. But it absolutely requires both partners to be enthusiastically on board.

Consider this, my friends: if you’re entering such an arrangement out of obligation, fear, or a desperate hope that it will solve existing issues, it’s already on shaky ground. An open relationship is not a fix-all; it’s a specific relational structure that thrives on conscious choice, not silent sacrifice.

Red Flags and Self-Worth: What This Proposition Really Means

Now, let’s look at this gentleman’s offer with a discerning eye. Mr. Baer didn’t mince words, and neither should we. When a marriage proposal sounds more like a business negotiation – “You can choose the house, the kids, but I get to sleep with other people” – it raises a bright red flag. Is that truly the foundation for a lifelong partnership?

This man has two previous marriages and four children. While past experiences don’t define a person, they do offer insights. His current “condition” for marriage doesn’t exactly scream “unconditional love,” does it? It sounds more like a desire for convenience and personal freedom, perhaps at Gil’s emotional expense.

Your Happiness Isn’t “Mababaw”

Dr. Holmes made a profound point, reminding Gil (and us) of a study that showed that after initial highs and lows, people tend to return to their baseline level of happiness. What does this mean for Gil? It means that the fleeting joy of her mother’s approval or the temporary relief of “being married” will eventually fade if her core needs aren’t met. Sacrificing your authentic self for someone else’s idea of happiness is, quite frankly, a recipe for long-term emotional misery.

And here’s something crucial, my dear: your desire for an exclusive, faithful relationship is NOT mababaw (superficial). It’s a valid, deeply personal preference, a cornerstone for many successful partnerships. You are far from desperate. You are a woman with worth, with desires, with the right to define her own happiness.

Charting Your Own Course: Finding Your Voice

So, what should Gil, and perhaps you, if you ever find yourself in a similar quandary, do?

• Be Honest with Your Family: Mr. Baer suggests the truth. Share the full picture with your family. This isn’t about shaming anyone; it’s about helping them see that this man might not be the knight in shining armor they imagine. Explain his conditions and how they make you feel. Your family loves you, and while they might be disappointed initially, their ultimate wish is for your happiness.
• Be Unapologetic with Him: Tell this Australian gentleman, clearly and firmly, that his conditions for marriage do not align with yours. His definition of love is inadequate for what you seek and deserve. You are not prepared to sacrifice an exclusive relationship just for the perceived benefits he offers. Love, in its most profound sense, should enhance your life, not diminish your values.

My beautiful readers, remember that being single does not equate to being alone, nor does it mean you are any less worthy of love. You can, in fact, be incredibly happy, even happier, living a life true to yourself, surrounded by genuine connections, rather than being in a relationship where you feel unseen, unappreciated, or constantly compromising your core beliefs. Your journey, your choices, your happiness – these are yours to define. Stand tall, embrace your worth, and choose a love that truly celebrates you. Because you, my dear, deserve nothing less.